It is a buyer’s market, they tell you, as you set out clutching an address and squinting at your GPS, hoping you get there in time, meet the right agent and like what she shows you. After all, you are planning to live in this place. Hopefully, your pets will like it. Hopefully, your neighbours will be nice.

Here are a few things that I have learnt from my hunt for an appropriate dwelling. Agents are the consummate actors. No matter how disgusting the place they are showing you, they beam delightedly as they wave their hands expansively around as if to say: “What richness, what joy, look how beautiful this place is, or could be, I mean, when the light fittings are plugged in and you can actually see it. 

“Just ignore the plants growing out of the second floor bathroom drain. Or the fact that there is an illegal vehicle parked in the driveway because we forgot to lock the gate. And the overgrown state of the garden. I mean, look at all this space. It only takes you 15 minutes to get here from work, if you drive at about 10pm at night and go slightly over the speed limit … and anyway, look at all this … err… space.”

You try not to bug out from sheer horror as you look at them incredulously. “Seriously? I mean seriously?” 

And they nod cheerfully. “Yes, you would not be stumbling on a deal like this so soon. Just put in an offer. You could go as low as … and that is a steal! Come on. Be a sport.”

Needless to say, it does not happen. This house just is not the one. It is like falling in love. It happens when it happens. And while there are plenty of advocates of arranged marriages (you will learn to love each other as time goes on), I have never believed in it. Hate at first sight should be taken seriously.

Another agent takes me to an apartment in a prosperous area. Except that it overlooks low-cost flats and every morning, I will be greeted by the sight of somebody’s underwear displayed cheerfully outside their front door. 

“Isn’t this beautiful? And it is such a good area. You will not be getting anything here for this price,” she continues cheerfully as OPU (other people’s underwear) waves in your face. 

But perhaps even more painful are the ones you really, really like and put in an offer for almost instantly only to be told an hour later that someone else had already booked it. When this happens a few times, you start to suspect a conspiracy and become a little paranoid. A friend kindly explains the scam. They show you a nice place and a not-so-nice place in the same apartment block. The nice place has any number of offers. When yours is turned down, they offer you the second one. Crushed, you accept it.

Luckily, however, I am surrounded by experienced property investors who insist on coming along for the viewings, asking abstruse questions about the piping, while I play Bookworm on my mobile phone, taking pictures of each room in each place because I am too lazy to. 

After each viewing, they say things like: “I do not want to influence you, but I would not touch that place with a ten-foot pole. 18 years old! You are going to have problems with the pipes.” 

And you agree, because you are easy and you did not have much of an opinion about the place one way or another. Pipes are the shibboleth among experienced investors. They look at each other and nod learnedly.

Since you have survived for more than 20 years as a financial journalist without learning a thing about anything that matters (as you promptly forget anything that is not related to Harry Potter or the Lord of the Rings or important things like that), you agree with the experts. After all, they have your best interests at heart. If they sigh now and then while trying to get a point across, you understand. If you were in their place, you would sigh too.

“Are you buying for investment?” the agents ask. “No.” I frown at them. “I am going to live here. With my cats. And my books.”

And then, when you have finally found a place you like and secure it … the negotiations, the extensive paperwork, the staying awake at night wondering why there have been no replies on PetFinder for your slightly difficult, but ever adorable dog …

There is a reason that people like me prefer to rent than to buy.

Save by subscribing to us for your print and/or digital copy.

P/S: The Edge is also available on Apple's AppStore and Androids' Google Play.