This article first appeared in Capital, The Edge Malaysia Weekly on January 15, 2018 - January 21, 2018

Dear Aunty Agony,

An old flame has come back into my life. Literally, an old flame. He is 93 years old while I am 60. Let’s call him M. M and I dated for almost 22 years before we called it off almost 15 years ago.

The trouble is, I am currently seeing another guy, N. N is only a little older than I am; he is 64. N and I have been seeing each other for roughly 10 years. It was a relationship that started off really well, but in recent years, it has become a little strained.

N used to be very popular with my friends, but nowadays, it seems like half of them don’t like him anymore.

I don’t know what the trouble is. N is a nice guy. The newspapers are always writing nice things about him. But on the internet, people sometimes say nasty things about him. But you can’t believe everything you read online, right?

M knows about my troubles with N. He knows I am conflicted. So, last week, M made this grand gesture — announcing publicly his intentions to win me back.

Should I give him a second chance?

M and I have a long history together, with good times and bad times. We may not have parted on the best of terms, but you don’t spend two decades with someone without developing a deep attachment to him. For better or for worse, I am the person I am today because of him.

The thought of getting back together with M is stirring a lot of mixed feelings in me.

Some of my friends are warning me to be careful of M; they say he has not changed. If I get together with him again, he will be back to his same old tricks — the same ones that made our relationship so toxic in the first place.

Despite what some might say, I believe M had good intentions for me, just like N. Perhaps it was just his way of showing it. M was a bit of a control freak, and ended up micromanaging many aspects of my life. Sometimes, he made questionable decisions, like the time he forced me to make my own car instead of buying one from overseas.

It took me years and cost me a lot of money, but I finally sold off the car last year. M wasn’t very happy about it.

Today, however, when I look at M, it is difficult to ignore the elephant in the room — his age. How much time will we have together? What kind of future can I have with a man of his age? What comes after?

M and N are whispering sweet promises to me and it is making me confused. Surely I can trust men to keep their promises, right?

It is hard to imagine, but many years ago, both of them used to be good friends. N used to work for M back in the day.

(By the way, I didn’t leave M for N! There was this one rebound guy I dated for a short time between M and N.)

M is such an imposing figure from my past, and I think it makes N feel a little insecure. N is always trying to outdo M or downplay M’s legacy, unless it is something negative. I’m getting tired of them bad-mouthing each other.

Currently, N is building this grand monument for me. It is really sweet. He says it will be even bigger than the two towers that M erected for me. Sure, he is using my money to build it, but it is still a sweet and unselfish gesture, no?

Still, N isn’t without his flaws as well. I suspect there may be another woman in his life that he is putting first. Still, I must trust him, right? No relationship can survive broken trust. I just have to trust that he will always do the right thing.

I feel so confused and I know I am going to have to make a big decision in the next few months. Can I possibly let M back into my life? Should I risk losing N?

My feelings are split right down the middle. I’m afraid I won’t be able to decide when the time comes. Please tell me what to do. I’m desperate for answers.

Ms Sia
Putrajaya
 

Dear Ms Sia,

I am sorry to hear about your difficult situation. It sounds like you have generally been in long relationships with similar types of men. Sometimes, the past can cloud our judgement. You should focus on looking forward, on what you really want for yourself.

Have you considered expanding your dating pool? Perhaps try considering a younger man. You’d be surprised how refreshing it is to be with someone totally different from what you are used to.

But if you must choose between M and N, please make sure to choose. Do not let others make the decision for you. Don’t find yourself sitting at home feeling helpless because both choices seem problematic.

Just remember, you always have a choice.

Aunty Agony
 

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